God recently spoke a word to me and said I’ve been going through a “beautification period”, similar to the way that Esther went through a season of preparation before she was selected as queen. He also said this period is soon coming to an end and that I will be stepping into the whirlwind of my destiny.
As I heard this, I was in immediate agreement regarding this season of life as it has been one of spiritual cleansing, renewal, and preparation. I knew right away that God wasn’t referring to physical beautification. He’s truly been uprooting things that weren’t aligned with his timing and replacing them by things that were. My favorite part is how he lavished me with his love and made me feel so worth it. He ignited a previously dormant desire to be in passionate relationship with him.
But if I’m completely honest, I thought to myself, “But I’m still a mess. I recognize that God’s done more in my spirit than I ever imagined, but I’m definitely not beautiful yet! I have so much left to fix. It’s still so ugly in here. So many things still feel ugly. I’m not ready at all, not any time soon.”
Then, I remembered something he had shown me just a few days prior, not realizing at the time how fitting it would be for this very moment:
I am a dancer. My feet look like they’ve been through some rough times. I’m used to most people thinking my feet are ugly, and I’ve always been ok with that, because I love my feet.
Because every single bruise, cut, and callus has been part of the magnificent process of perfecting my art. The uglier my feet, the more beautiful of a dancer I have become. Sometimes I look down at how worn out they are after hours of rehearsal and feel a rush of gratitude. What appears to be ugly represents an underlying beauty to me. This hidden beauty leads to an admiration for what God has led me to accomplish through hard work and commitment in my gifting. I also know that if my feet were to look any different, it would mean that I’ve neglected my passion and missed out on becoming the person I was meant to be.
I realized this is exactly how my Father sees me now.
I feel ugly because I have faced my struggles. I feel ugly because I still grieve and I still feel pain. I don’t run away from the pain like my heart was trained to do for so long. Instead, I’m handing over my aching to Jesus and allowing him to finally work with me through this process.
Of course it feels ugly- surrender and change don’t typically feel pretty when you’re in the middle of it.
The process of uprooting the old and preparing the soil for the new is not a pretty one. There’s dirt everywhere, holes in the ground, and nothing is really sprouting. At least not that I can see yet. But what he sees lies far deeper and is far more beautiful that what I see.
Whatever “ugliness” I feel within myself today is simply proof that I’m allowing my heavenly Father to guide me toward my original design. It is a symbol of the beauty that will radiate tomorrow.